Who am I?

It's eleven o'clock and all seems not quite as well as I think it should feel.

I've managed to spend almost two hours on the computer this morning, administrative hat firmly set on my head, and organized events, coordinated lives, planned holidays, answered various other emails, solved technical glitches… so, why do I feel like I haven't really accomplished much at all?

Every time I sit in front of my computer, I come away feeling like it's 'time well wasted' (like that commercial for… I can't remember what). I talk about this issue of time wasting with others who also spend time on their computers but don't feel how I do. Why is that? What's different about them than me… not much really… just their feelings on things.

Now I'm not saying that every time I'm online it's a good use of time… sometimes I really am just surfing! But, surfing's good too… it is a type of research with underlying purpose to it… yet I've convinced myself that it's not good either, and even worse, I feel GUILT!

So I guess that's what I'm feeling right now… the rational part of my brain (wearing the 'administrator's' hat) is saying look at what you just accomplished. The emotional side of my brain (wearing the 'I must be everything to everyone at all times hat') is telling me that the dishes are still on the table, the laundry is still wet in the washer, the weeds are still growing in the garden, my hair is still un-ironed, not to mention I'm still not made up, and I don't know that my outfit is fit for much other than opening the door to get the mail (which is still in the box).

And, the emotional side is winning out right now… with physical and mental side effects… tight chest, lump in throat, shallow breath, slightly scattered thoughts.

Which makes me SO MAD! And, like all the other areas of challenge in my life, I try and try to live the truth rather than give in to the lies about myself or what I should be doing, should be like, should say, should wear etc. Yet, the lies are deeply rooted and sometimes take over… like weeds that grow faster than the more tender plants in the same garden bed… in this case, the bed of my heart and soul.

I do know what to do. I have to name the lies and then yank them out by the root. What do I mean by that? Well, sometimes that means writing them down, sometimes that means saying them out loud, and sometimes that means praying about them… and calling them what they are… LIES.

And then, I need to plant something in their place. Often that means a word of wisdom from a book I often turn to in times like this. This book contains the most profound and often simple wisdom I've ever come across in my 47 years. Words like,

By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped

or,

Don't be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs.

And there's so many more wise words where those came from. Words that might just be strong enough to take hold and grow in the soil of my heart and soul. Words that might be strong enough to overtake the weeds… just maybe… maybe some words about the importance of who I am versus what I do…

OK, so, I'm off to the garden to do some physical weeding now, with the intent of removing at least one weedy lie in the process. I'll let you know how that goes later.

Gloves going on,

Lesley-Anne