4 weeks ago
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
So yesterday about this time, I was feeling like my world was caving in along with my chest. Perhaps a little over-stressed, I had a feeling of unexplainable impending doom that was physical, and it was beginning to take over my mind as well as my body.
I stood by the sink after a morning of trying to get some of my menial household chores done, and heard a voice in my head say, "maybe you should just go and check yourself into the hospital", as clear as day. So, I thought about that for a little while, wondering how that experience might pan out for me?
Hi, I'm here to check myself in.
Well, it's that I just can't seem to pull myself up by the bootstraps, you know. I can't seem to find my stiff upper lip and suck it up princess, if you know what I mean.
I'm sorry Ma'am, I don't know what you mean. What precisely are your symptoms?
I guess you could say that I feel like there's nobody I can talk to about how I feel, and that I feel like I'm too much for everyone that I might have talked to if I could have found someone.
Are you in any pain?
Well, if this pressure on my chest, and the heavy thing that's sitting on my head counts, then yes, I guess I'm in pain. But not a sharp stabbing pain, more like a dull repetitive one.
Are you on any medications?
No, and I don't really want to be, and that's why I'm even afraid to tell anyone how I really feel in case they suggest drugs might be the answer. I guess there's the 'Maccaroot' supplements I'm taking… to balance and energize me… but I don't think that's working.
So, what precisely can we do for you ma'am?
Well, I thought maybe I could just sign in and curl up in an empty bed somewhere until I feel better able to cope, find some energy again, and maybe find a friend that I could talk to. Would that be OK……?
At this point I realize that my idea is lame, and I haven't got a chance of convincing medical staff, nurses or doctors that there's something wrong with me any more than I did two days ago when I tried to explain myself to my husband.
So, I continue to stand by the kitchen sink until the phone rings, goes to the answering machine, and I recognize the voice as someone who might just be able to relate to part of how I'm feeling and I dry my hands on the towel and pick up the phone.
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