Do not hurry as you walk with grief

This poem was shared by Art's sister Karen at his funeral. I think it's beautiful.

Do not hurry
As you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Be not disturbed
By memories that come unbidden
Let God support you

Be gentle with the one who
Walks through grief
If it is you,
Be gentle with yourself.
Swiftly forgive
Walk slowly
Pausing often

Take time, be gentle
As you walk with grief.

Adapted from a Celtic Prayer

Surf's up!

This virtual world of ours is quite amazing… from 'Google Alerting' any subject you'd ever want to keep tabs on, to making new 'friends' in continents you've never visited (one of which I'm going to see in real life very soon, because she's coming to Canada from Australia and will be in my town next month - how about that!), to learning amazing and lesser known facts, to telling people things that you'd never dream of sharing with your friends… it's a lot to get used to. And it takes a wee bit of wisdom and a whole bunch of time management skills to navigate the waters skillfully. I'm still learning, but man, I love to surf!

I've learned how to create a hyperlink, how to set up a newbie, very simple network, how to blog and other things. But in other things I must appear as techno impaired as I really am to those of you in the know. Like what I did while trying to create links between blogs and network, I created a circuitous loop that goes no-where… and I can't seem to get rid of this useless link now that it's there (imbedded?) Then there's the 'badge' that I somehow changed on my network… it used to be this funky little badge that I enjoyed posting other places I visit, and now it's blank… no matter what I do I can't seem to change it back to the original one or create another one! Ahhhhh!!!!!

And when it comes to blogging, I can't seem to figure out how to print out what I wrote if it's more than a page long. And, then there's the ever looming as yet unanswered question of how to blog to an audience… rather than to a void… still trying to figure this one out. For example, I struggle with feelings of guilt and wonder if I'm being completely self-serving when I post a comments on some blogs (part of me hoping they might check my blog out in return!)

I know, I know, these are just little problems, but I really wish I could sort them out and feel like I have a handle on the basics.

And there's also the frustration of creating networks that are active for a time and then silent for much longer. This has happened to me twice… once within an existing network and once with a brand new one. And, how do you grow them up into something that has a life of it's own… rather than being the individual who draws everyone out into conversation, answers everyone's questions, initiates all discussions, groups, etc. etc. I just don't have the time to do all that all the time!

Virtually speaking, right now in my life, I think blogging is top of my list of what the internet offers. I'm willing to just write and wait and see where that takes me. It's not the only writing I do, and I don't rely on it for income… but it allows me to express myself without too many concerns about political correctness, editing, or correct grammar (I do the best I can without stressing over it).

And there's also the online writing contests, the following of inspirational blogs that come to me in regular e-mails, and the free downloads of awesome music, and the reminders of great concerts in my area courtesy of Ticketmaster, and the posting of writing to other websites, and the ongoing research and development and design of websites, blogs, and other things virtual.

All this on top of being a wife and a mom… it's no wonder I'm tired by the time the kids come home from school.

Oh, I received this today on my Google Alert… maybe it will interest you… can't vouch for the truth of it, 'cause I'm not much of a Yoga or weight lifting expert. But maybe it will be something you can relate to.

Three Steps to Stop Menopause Suffering Before It Starts

I'm back on the shore of domestic duties for now. Perhaps I could incorporate some yoga into folding the laundry???

Lesley-Anne

Things I'm going to do differently today:

• Let the answering machine screen my calls, and then call back when I have the energy to talk. Do not feel guilty about this choice.

• Fix my hair and put on something attractive or cute, rather than stay in my pj's until time to pick up the kids.

• Walk the dog. Do not procrastinate. Walk the dog.

• Have lunch with my teenage son, and be comfortable in the silence of our non-conversation.

• Make a stress-less dinner, 'cause every Wednesday is a busy day. Today, food is fuel.

• Be content.

• Match the socks that are single and lonely in the bottom of the laundry basket. Throw out the ones that don't have a mate. Don't feel sorry for them!

• Look for opportunities to smile and maybe even laugh once or twice. And, if I can't do that on my own… call a funny friend. And, if I don't have one, begin looking.

• Keep my blog short and sweet. Don't drown people in words.

And, enough said. Carpe diem, my friends!

Lesley-Anne

The duck in my pool

So, why do I have two blogs… and what is the difference between them? Maybe I'm off base here, but I really do think these two places allow different parts of me to emerge. While there's this deeper more spiritual side of me, and while I believe with all my heart that God is the foundation of, the purpose for, the captain of my life ship, there's also a part of me that is separate… gosh… does that sound anti-Christian?

I've found myself surfing some Christian Women's sites of late, and I have to say that while I admire them, while I learn by reading them, this other separate part of me says, but what about the times when I don't relate… the times I question… the times of darkness and I feel separation from a real close connection with God??? What about those? I don't know, but I feel these times are sort of glossed over by some Christians and painted into a pretty picture most of the time. I just don't want to, I've grow tired of, spiritualizing absolutely everything in my life… and thinking that if I just pray the right thing, say the right thing, read the right scripture, that this too will pass.

Yep, it will pass, for sure it will… I trust in God that it will . But, I want to be alive and fully aware of how I am feeling, thinking, acting, observing RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of these other times. Somehow… I think that I'd be less than forthright or a shadow of myself if I just glossed over these places in my life that are a little off-kilter, or off the beaten path. They are who I am too. God didn't say only focus on the mountaintops, or on the spiritual highlights… did he?

So, I'm still working through what this means in my life… and obviously, but the very fact that I currently have two different blogs… one focussed on the good and Godly, and one focussed on the real means I'm a little bi-polar in my approach and not yet fully willing to be or accept or live what I'm suggesting I should live. But the blogs are linked, not hidden, and neither is this struggle I feel.

Truth be told I'm still a little afraid… of the Christian women knowing this other side of me… the doubting, struggling, slightly profane at times side, and of the other non-religious women - knowing the spiritual side, believing, connecting with God, living my life as an act of worship side! Does that mean I'm more concerned about what these groups of women think than anything else? Is that ridiculous 'need to be liked' the guiding force behind what I do, say and blog? PLEASE NOT THAT! But hey, I'm human like the rest of you… and so that need to be accepted is real. I've certainly come a ways from that being the guiding force, but it's still there, rearing it's ugly little head and so I need to figure out what that means, and how to deal.

So, I hope you can hang on with me through this process of figuring out who I really am and whether I can somehow take these two parts of me -- the Sometimes Suicidal Mama -- and the -- My Gracenotes -- parts of me, and combine them into a relateable whole that brings something to the table that is palateable. And that's gonna take a while and a whole lot of trust in God's plans… not just mine.

Which brings me to the insight that I believe God gave me yesterday… and the reason that I was going to post it on My Gracenotes rather than SSM… yet after 'writing this down' right now, with you, I believe I will post it in both places (how's that for taking a risk)

So, yesterday morning I got up early… I've had times where I regularly do this, but this Spring has not been one of them. Lots of reasons and excuses come to mind. Anyway, I managed to get up with my 5:40 alarm, took a quick shower and then took my bible and notebook out on the porch with me. I read a bit, listened to the sounds of birds in the early morning garden, and then it happened… the duck… darn that duck… dropped from the sky into our pool. The mood and the atmosphere of peace and Godly connection was immediately broken for me.

My dog dropped down into his 'point', quivering with excitement at this visit from the duck (who returns many times during the day, much to our frustration), and I got up and scared Mr. Duck away with waving of arms and clapping of hands. The dog ran around the pool deck sniffing and wagging his tail, as I returned to the porch again to try to regain my quiet time.

I felt ticked off at first… as I sat and watched the dog and realized that it was almost time to wake up the family. And then, I really watched the dog… and recognized something on the verge of profound… at least it was for me at that moment.

Buddy, my dog, was sitting at attention at the corner of the pool, ears perked up, looking at the sky and wagging his tail. It was a funny posture… sitting while wagging… but Buddy has a very small tail and it was wagging excitedly. He did what he always does after a duck encounter… he sits and waits for the duck to come back… excitedly waiting, expectantly waiting, for what he KNOWS is going to happen again. He shows no interest in his breakfast, in me, in anything but the duck's return. And, due to his amazing ears, Buddy always hears the duck while he's a long way off… before I can hear him, Buddy gets to his feet and looks at the sky… and then the duck comes back, splashing into our shallow end.

I'd been reading verses in my bible yesterday morning that you probably know… the Lord's prayer… and Jesus is telling his disciples how to pray and it said, "Your Kingdom Come," and those particular words attracted me for some reason… as I thought about what it would be like to pray this, and ask God to take over so many ways in my life, and make it about His Kingdom rather than mine. So, I was thinking this just before the duck encounter.

What hit me between the eyes as I watched the whole thing with the duck and the dog was that Buddy illustrated to me what it might be like to have a Kingdom Come heart. If I was able to live the way Buddy illustrated … anticipating, expecting God to show up and focus on that whole-heartedly… wow, might that be a wild way to live. I know God is there… why not look for signs and sounds of his presence? Now, I'm not suggesting I sit and don't eat or do anything, but I'm saying I need to be attentive and watching. And when God shows up, I'll be ready for whatever he's got going on at that particular moment!

Anyway, that picture of the dog's anticipation and joy and the recognition of an application to my life was unexpected and awesome.

Gotta go, I hear quacking in the distance.

Lesley-Anne

Time flies…

Posting on the weekend is harder than during the week… too many people around the house looking over my shoulder or calling to me from the kitchen, or laundry room or garage. So, I'm back this morning with very little to say… but, give me a few moments and that is sure to change!

I know that I want to say something witty, something that will stick with you or will cause you to belly laugh or just smirk with a recognition that you aren't as crazy as you thought you were, or you are less crazy than me, or at the very least, you aren't alone. But I can't conjure that up… can I? I can't be funny if I'm not feeling funny… and I want this blog to be about real life, not well scripted fiction.

So, where does that leave me this morning? And where does that leave us?

Alone in front of our computer screens looking for connection, I think. Alone and needing to express our thoughts and feelings and insights and failures and successes and just stories of our days and nights and lives. Alone is OK, for a time.

But I also know that too much of sitting in front of my computer screen isn't good for me. I tend to let the time slip by, pouring myself into writing and expressing and not take care of the other parts of my life that are actually more important… like caring for my home, or my family, or my health.

Who else out there struggles with this lure of things internet? I'm wondering what it is about being online that condenses time… I can't think of any other activity I do that has the same result.

Laundry takes time… at the very least a full day of back and forth between washer and dryer, but I am aware of each passing minute as I undertake that particular task. Gardening also takes a long time… but strangely enough, most times I feel like I've accomplished a lot in the garden, I come inside to find that only an hour has passed… interesting, huh? The hard work and the needful work of those primary responsibilities (that are hardest to start and complete), actually seem to take less time to accomplish than sitting in front of my computer where time vanishes without any awareness of it happening.

Is there something scientifically proven about this computer time loss thing? Can anyone help shed some light on this for me?

Until I know more, I'm just going to keep it short this morning and choose to get out of my chair and spend time doing other things that I've been short changing in favour of blogging and writing. I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing or doing my blog… cause it's something I do for the joy of it, and cause it's this creative thing that bubbles up and can't be stopped. Even if I write nothing of interest to anyone else, I will still write. But, let's face it friends, I can't just blog or write all day long… that's not my real day job!

Someone commented recently when I said I was writing on my blog, "oh, you're busy entertaining yourself." That really BUGGED me! I thought a few nasty things that went unsaid, but mostly I thought this person really doesn't get what it's like to discover (at midpoint in my life) a purposeful part of myself that fulfills me and has the potential to impact others.

I write because I have to… I would be less than who I am if I didn't. But, I would also be less of who I am if I didn't exercise, sleep, rest, clean, cook, bake, garden, or do the things that I have the 'gulp' PRIVILEGE of doing as a wife and a mother.

So… for today… in the words of Porky Pig, "That's all folks!"

Lesley-Anne

Do you believe?

It seems there's never enough hours in the day… for what needs doing (including my commitment to writing this blog and other writing that makes me feel alive) and for all the commitments that ripple out with a family of five.

I often wake up with anxiety from instant messages in my brain… to do lists forming before my eyes fully open, and the accompanying thought that there just isn't enough time to do what I think I need to do that day, morning, hour etc. It's a crappy way to wake up!

So, the last thing I felt like doing this morning was to take the few minutes it took to do something for my neighbour (doesn't matter what, that's not the point). But, I was compelled to take the time and do it, and as I did, I prayed that it be a 'sacrifice of praise' to God. Sounds like odd words maybe, but I simply meant that my actions were in a direct response of obedience to what I feel God asks me to do… think beyond my immediate circle of influence and do something completely selfless once in a awhile. I blow this all the time, but on this particular morning, I didn't.

There I was, doing my thing and praying over and over in my head… "sacrifice of praise God, sacrifice of praise." Nobody saw me (except my husband) do what I did… again, not the point of what I was doing.

Then on I went with what I needed to do, which still seemed like a lot.

An hour later the phone rings… it's my son's youth leader phoning with the details for my son's 'sit-in' this weekend, which involves some prep for me too. He started the conversation with the words, "So, about tomorrow night…," and I said, 'Tomorrow night, I thought it was tonight?" and suddenly grace stepped in and flooded over me. I was given, undeservedly, without cost, without asking, the gracious gift of time!!!!!!

So, I'm left with a question… as much for myself as for you…

Do I believe? Could there possibly be a connection between that one tiny selfless act of neighbourliness this morning and the gift of time that I was given a short while later?

Any providence in those events?

Any room in my heart to believe that?

I want to believe.

Lesley-Anne

Dust on, dust off

Well, being at home today for the entire day resulted in my creation of a huge to-do list. That's always what happens on home days, days when I don't have a writing assignment to complete or anything else pressing means I have to pay attention to the things that haven't been getting my attention lately. And that usually means housework.

I don't like housework. I used to like it, I liked the mindless drone of the vac. and the piles of clean laundry… I never did like cleaning bathrooms (particularly toilets - yuck) but now I don't really prefer any of it. The constant clutter left by all five of us all over the house undoes me, and I find there's so much time that has to go into the de-cluttering before the cleaning can really begin.

So, in a grumpy and slightly martyred frame of mind, I pulled out the duster this morning and began to clean the uncluttered surfaces… which was limited to window ledges, baseboards, door jams, and other surfaces too small to collect much other than dust and the occasional errant bug, dog hair or unidentified crumb. I dusted with my nice faux feather Ikea duster, and worked my way around the main floor of our home, taking note of the tasks that lay ahead after this low impact chore was done. And, the more I looked and thought about all the mess ahead of me, the worse my attitude became.

I was in the piano room with duster in hand when I remembered some dusting of long, long ago, and in particular, a person came to mind. I remembered my grandmother, Chrissy Cook, wheelchair ridden from a spinal operation gone sideways, and how she spent 25 years in a wheelchair with very limited abilities in her upper body and none in her lower. My grandfather (same one as referred to in my last posting) cared for her needs… all of her personal needs, lifting her in and out of the car, bed, plus cooking, laundry, shopping, and gardening and cleaning. Except for dusting. This was one chore that my grandmother could do and enjoyed doing.

She'd hold a cloth duster in her hand, and every morning (I dust bi-weekly because it begins to show after that) my grandmother would wheel herself slowly around the main floor of their 1060's bungalow, and dust all the surfaces she could reach. And, when I was there visiting, I would help to do the surfaces she couldn't reach.

I never heard her complain… as a matter of fact I remember her happily doing what she could… her one small contribution to the upkeep of their home.

I complain. I begrudge my somewhat meaningless and endless list of chores that are involved in caring for our home. I'd rather write. I'd rather pay someone to do the housework… but that's another story. What I'm trying to say is that I've become jaded and lost focus on the reason why I do what I do… why it's important to be a good steward of the things I've been blessed with, and why having a good attitude about it is important. My grandmother could only do the dusting… I'm sure she wanted to do more, but just couldn't so she did it with joy.

So, I think I'd better dust myself off my high horse about keeping our home clean and tidy. It's what I've chosen to do for this season of my life, and what I've been given responsibility for. Yep, I'm going to have days where the mundane nature of the chore takes it's toll. But, when I dust, I'm going to remember my grandmother and be faithful and joyful (most days) in the little stuff.

'Cause maybe it's not so insignificant after all.

LAE