Sometimes suicidal… really???

As you know, I just returned from a trip to Ontario to visit my folks. It was great… lots packed into a very short time… and I left wanting more in many ways. I miss my family.

While I was there, I showed my parents how to find my blogs, both Sometimes Suicidal Mama and My Grace Notes, as well as the main page to Pink Ink Workshop. I wanted them to see where I was putting my writing energies these days, and I wanted them to, in a small way, affirm that part of me. I know, I know, still trying to get my parents approval!

After showing them my blogs, we got up from the computer and were walking out of the room when my Dad said, 'You know, that name you chose really upset me when I first saw it'… and I knew he meant the name of this blog… and I knew he was upset because he wasn't comfortable or happy to know that his baby girl was 'sometimes suicidal'. The mama part was fine, I guess. And I remember having a conversation with my brother about it a couple of weeks ago, where we discussed what the name meant, and how he might help me illustrate this when I redesigned the look of my blog with him (talented graphic designer brother).

And maybe that's also the case with you? You read this blog, you look at the title, and you think, what on earth is she talking about. Maybe you think I'm making light of the subject of suicide, or maybe you think I'm being melodramatic. It's something I think about… what your reaction is to the title. So it's time for me to come clean on this.

Emotional imbalance and mental illness are not to be mocked, nor discounted or made light of. I am not suggesting that I understand anything but my own experience, and that is what this blog is, a written account of my own experience. As such, I have chosen to be open about what my life is like, and I've written a little about anxiety, depression, hopelessness, doubt, mixed in with faith, hope, inspiration and wonder in my life.

And I have to openly admit that, at times, especially times in the past, I contemplated ending my life. The times came and went, and thanks to God I didn't follow through on those thoughts. But, they were real.

For me, menopause has resulted in emotional struggles too, so when I chose to write my life down at this fork in the road, I knew a part of what I wrote would be about depression.

If I'm going to be real, then I have to admit that my struggles are real. I have to admit that I am less than perfect, do not have all the answers, am a wounded yet hopeful God seeking woman who has been and may again be a 'Sometimes Suicidal Mama'. I hope and trust and pray that this transparency and knowledge encourages you, because I'm not alone in this… am I?

That said, here is an early posting that will help to bring you up to date on where I've come from and what has inspired me to write down my life, openly sharing my humanity with you.

Tell me what you think… I'm hoping for a two way conversation… maybe…

Lesley-Anne

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

I'm thinking it might help to know a little bit of my history at this point… nothing too detailed, but just a general idea of who I am and where I'm at. About 18 months ago my menstrual cycle stopped. I was 45, and not expecting to be cold turkey into menopause.

But, I was. I began to experience all of the symptoms that you have no doubt heard about, or even experienced yourself if you are with me in this phase of life… hot flashes (a tingling feeling in my head followed by blood rushing through my body and face - like being embarrassed all over), night sweats and sleeplessness, weight gain (not a lot but enough to be frustrating), moodiness, lack of focus, lack of desire, irritability (yes, even more than usual!), and I went to my Doctor to investigate what next steps there might be for me as I walked through this change of life.

The Doctor said it was just a matter of managing things, and making adjustments as necessary. OK, I thought, and I did a little bit of research (talked to my Mom and various friends) to find out their insights, what worked, what didn't, and proceeded to make some adjustments to my life, including walking more and eating less, wearing cotton and in layers that I could easily remove when necesary, and lowering the expectations I had for my productivity in lots of areas.

The symptoms came and went, and things were going well for the most part, except for the difficulty in focusing on tasks, or completing them in a timely fashion. And, the overall feelings of anxiety and depression were sometimes quite strong. And, all this 'mental' stuff was and is going on in someone who is supposed to be filled with hope and joy and all the other trappings of being a 'woman of God'.

It wasn't the first time I've found that depression and faith are polarized, but here I was again… feeling ashamed, on the outside looking in, embarrassed to share the truth of what I was going through for fear of being 'too much' for those around me. So, I began to withdraw from relationships, and spend more time alone. (YIKES - not the best choice really)

Again I sought 'medical' help, and ended up finding some great nutritional supplements that are still helping me to regain some of my energy and vitality again (Macaroot). Some days are better than others, and there are even stretches of good days where I'm not even aware that there is this new reality for me… I feel like the old me those days. But, most days are different and I'm still trying to figure out what my new reality is.

All this to say that I'm tired of pretending that all is well all the time, that I've got it all together, and that being a Christian is the answer to everything. I need you to also know that God is my foundation in life -- he really is. I believe that God is close by and understands and provides, but that is not a bandage solution for me. I don't think it's fair to the rest of you for me to say one thing and then experience another. How much worse things would be for me without God in my life is hard to say (probably a lot worse)… but to say that all is well all the time would be a lie.

So, my passion being writing, and my purpose being to let my life be an open book, I decided to write my way through this time of my life… sharing the ups and downs and realities of these days with you. If you catch me preaching, forgive me for that, and if you catch me being a wet blanket, I hope you can forgive that too. What I simply want to be is real. I'm tired of pretending, hiding, and making excuses for who I am.

This is me. A sometimes suicidal mama.

This is me with God. A sometimes suicidal mama with God.

Maybe, somehow, my life experience will help you?

Lesley-Anne
5/4/09

Do you twitter?

I've been online a lot lately, trying to find out what blogs are interesting, who's saying what, reading what, following what. I've been networking a wee bit and trying to make connections with potential readers, but most of all I've been blogging on my blogs.

It's a tad overwhelming trying to figure it all out… and wondering at times why I'm trying to conquer the virtual world… or even get a handle on something that is a constant moving target. Bottom line is I really just want to write, receive the ocassional comment, and know that I've somehow connected with a real person out there. That is enough for me. For now.

There's just so much to learn, and I still get pretty excited when I figure out something new… like hyper-linking, or pasting badges, or downloading photos to my blog. What might be taken for granted by other more technologically adept bloggers, is still thrilling for me.

And I sometimes forget things I've done in the past… but am reminded by emails that arrive from places I've subscribed to, Google alerts I've set up, or networks I've joined. And I begin to see that I just don't have time to do it all well, so I do what I can and focus on the writing more than anything else.

Because I've discovered that I have to write to be whole… and I write to get out all the stuff that has been churning around inside me for years… and I write to connect with others that might be feeling the same things… and I write to perhaps shed a little light, give a little hope, share a little humanity with other humans.

One day I might be inspired to involve my graphic designer brother to design an attractive and creative blog environment for me, but for now the words will have to speak for themselves… with the ocassional photo thrown in… and maybe a badge or two.

I'm happy to share something I was emailed today… it's a list of how to Twitter well… just in case that's something you'd be interested in. For newbies like me, here's what the Twitter homepage says about their service,

"Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?"

Twitter isn't part of my life yet… but maybe in time. My cell phone is only a week old (yes, my very first cell phone) I really don't know much about Twitter yet, so I'd better do a little surfing to find out and be able to comment from a more educated point of view. But, if you already Twitter, check this out;

Twitter Checklist (63)

As I dabble in the virtual world, I have to wonder if I dabble in the real world too? Have I got a handle on things here? Am I wasting the time I've been given? Does my life have purpose? Do my values and my actions line up? When I ask that simple Twitter question, 'What am I doing', what would my answer be?

I say that I love God above all else, and that I love people… but, what am I doing? I say that my husband and my family are my top priority… but, what am I doing? I say that writing is a gift that I've been given… but, what am I doing? I say that I want friendships within a community of accountability… but, what am I doing? I say that I want to be strong and healthy… but, what am I doing? I say that I want to be useful, and make a difference… but, what am I doing?

So, I guess Twitter is pretty profound after all. And that's just a first very superficial dabble. Now I need to drag myself away from this blog and refocus on my priorities and then maybe later, I can begin working through the realities of these questions for me.

TTYL,

Lesley-Anne

This is summer…

Well, it's finally here. The kids are finishing up school this week, and our family vacation is only a few weeks away. And we are all so very ready this year.

Summer camp, weekends on the lake, trips to the ocean, and time at home with friends are all conjured up in my memories of summer's past. So many good times with people we love in places we will never forget.

I thought I might
just share a few moments with you.




Day's end -- surfing's done

Beach cookout… mmmm… s'mores and red wine

Riding shotgun for channel boarding

Claire with salted beach hair

Evening light on S. Chesterman Beach

Sun kissed Malcolm at the beach cookout

Tidal pool life

Bob's dockside view of things


So, I bid you adieu for a few days… and trust that you might also
choose to take time this summer to sip a glass of chilled wine,
laze in the sun, walk along a beach,
and read a good book,
splash the kids,
kiss your love,
and admire the incredible view
from here.

Love,
Lesley-Anne

Who am I?

It's eleven o'clock and all seems not quite as well as I think it should feel.

I've managed to spend almost two hours on the computer this morning, administrative hat firmly set on my head, and organized events, coordinated lives, planned holidays, answered various other emails, solved technical glitches… so, why do I feel like I haven't really accomplished much at all?

Every time I sit in front of my computer, I come away feeling like it's 'time well wasted' (like that commercial for… I can't remember what). I talk about this issue of time wasting with others who also spend time on their computers but don't feel how I do. Why is that? What's different about them than me… not much really… just their feelings on things.

Now I'm not saying that every time I'm online it's a good use of time… sometimes I really am just surfing! But, surfing's good too… it is a type of research with underlying purpose to it… yet I've convinced myself that it's not good either, and even worse, I feel GUILT!

So I guess that's what I'm feeling right now… the rational part of my brain (wearing the 'administrator's' hat) is saying look at what you just accomplished. The emotional side of my brain (wearing the 'I must be everything to everyone at all times hat') is telling me that the dishes are still on the table, the laundry is still wet in the washer, the weeds are still growing in the garden, my hair is still un-ironed, not to mention I'm still not made up, and I don't know that my outfit is fit for much other than opening the door to get the mail (which is still in the box).

And, the emotional side is winning out right now… with physical and mental side effects… tight chest, lump in throat, shallow breath, slightly scattered thoughts.

Which makes me SO MAD! And, like all the other areas of challenge in my life, I try and try to live the truth rather than give in to the lies about myself or what I should be doing, should be like, should say, should wear etc. Yet, the lies are deeply rooted and sometimes take over… like weeds that grow faster than the more tender plants in the same garden bed… in this case, the bed of my heart and soul.

I do know what to do. I have to name the lies and then yank them out by the root. What do I mean by that? Well, sometimes that means writing them down, sometimes that means saying them out loud, and sometimes that means praying about them… and calling them what they are… LIES.

And then, I need to plant something in their place. Often that means a word of wisdom from a book I often turn to in times like this. This book contains the most profound and often simple wisdom I've ever come across in my 47 years. Words like,

By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped

or,

Don't be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs.

And there's so many more wise words where those came from. Words that might just be strong enough to take hold and grow in the soil of my heart and soul. Words that might be strong enough to overtake the weeds… just maybe… maybe some words about the importance of who I am versus what I do…

OK, so, I'm off to the garden to do some physical weeding now, with the intent of removing at least one weedy lie in the process. I'll let you know how that goes later.

Gloves going on,

Lesley-Anne

Do not hurry as you walk with grief

This poem was shared by Art's sister Karen at his funeral. I think it's beautiful.

Do not hurry
As you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Be not disturbed
By memories that come unbidden
Let God support you

Be gentle with the one who
Walks through grief
If it is you,
Be gentle with yourself.
Swiftly forgive
Walk slowly
Pausing often

Take time, be gentle
As you walk with grief.

Adapted from a Celtic Prayer

Things I'm going to do differently today:

• Let the answering machine screen my calls, and then call back when I have the energy to talk. Do not feel guilty about this choice.

• Fix my hair and put on something attractive or cute, rather than stay in my pj's until time to pick up the kids.

• Walk the dog. Do not procrastinate. Walk the dog.

• Have lunch with my teenage son, and be comfortable in the silence of our non-conversation.

• Make a stress-less dinner, 'cause every Wednesday is a busy day. Today, food is fuel.

• Be content.

• Match the socks that are single and lonely in the bottom of the laundry basket. Throw out the ones that don't have a mate. Don't feel sorry for them!

• Look for opportunities to smile and maybe even laugh once or twice. And, if I can't do that on my own… call a funny friend. And, if I don't have one, begin looking.

• Keep my blog short and sweet. Don't drown people in words.

And, enough said. Carpe diem, my friends!

Lesley-Anne

a little background…

I'm thinking it might help to know a little bit of my history at this point… nothing too detailed, but just a general idea of who I am and where I'm at.

About 18 months ago my menstrual cycle stopped. I was 45, and not expecting to be cold turkey into menopause. But, I was. I began to experience all of the symptoms that you have no doubt heard about, or even experienced yourself if you are with me in this phase of life… hot flashes (a tingling feeling in my head followed by blood rushing through my body and face - like being embarrassed all over), night sweats and sleeplessness, weight gain (not a lot but enough to be frustrating), moodiness, lack of focus, lack of desire, irritability (yes, even more than usual!), and I went to my Doctor to investigate what next steps there might be for me as I walked through this change of life. The Doctor said it was just a matter of managing things, and making adjustments as necessary.

OK, I thought, and I did a little bit of research (talked to my Mom and various friends) to find out their insights, what worked, what didn't, and proceeded to make some adjustments to my life, including walking more and eating less, wearing cotton and in layers that I could easily remove when necesary, and lowering the expectations I had for my productivity in lots of areas. The symptoms came and went, and things were going well for the most part, except for the difficulty in focusing on tasks, or completing them in a timely fashion. And, the overall feelings of anxiety and depression were sometimes quite strong.

And, all this 'mental' stuff was and is going on in someone who is supposed to be filled with hope and joy and all the other trappings of being a 'woman of God'. It wasn't the first time I've found that depression and faith are polarized, but here I was again… feeling ashamed, on the outside looking in, embarrassed to share the truth of what I was going through for fear of being 'too much' for those around me. So, I began to withdraw from relationships, and spend more time alone. (YIKES - not the best choice really)

Again I sought 'medical' help, and ended up finding some great nutritional supplements that are still helping me to regain some of my energy and vitality again (Macaroot). Some days are better than others, and there are even stretches of good days where I'm not even aware that there is this new reality for me… I feel like the old me those days. But, most days are different and I'm still trying to figure out what my new reality is.

All this to say that I'm tired of pretending that all is well all the time, that I've got it all together, and that being a Christian is the answer to everything.

I need you to also know that God is my foundation in life -- he really is. I believe that God is close by and understands and provides, but that is not a bandage solution for me. I don't think it's fair to the rest of you for me to say one thing and then experience another. How much worse things would be for me without God in my life is hard to say (probably a lot worse)… but to say that all is well all the time would be a lie.

So, my passion being writing, and my purpose being to let my life be an open book, I decided to write my way through this time of my life… sharing the ups and downs and realities of these days with you. If you catch me preaching, forgive me for that, and if you catch me being a wet blanket, I hope you can forgive that too.

What I simply want to be is real. I'm tired of pretending, hiding, and making excuses for who I am.

This is me. A sometimes suicidal mama. This is me with God. A sometimes suicidal mama with God.

Maybe somehow my life experience will help you?

Lesley-Anne