The reason why

An awful lot of thinking has been going on in my head lately… the neurons buzzing back and forth, and considerations being considered. I've gone from deep despair to a more moderate emotional state, and back again, all without any med's or prolonged use of vitamin supplements. And the process will no doubt continue, as that's just how I live right now. Menopause maybe, or maybe a new life season, or maybe just part of how I was made. It is what it is.

I found a few old journals lately, took them to bed early one evening and started to read them just to confirm that this isn't the first time in my life when I've felt like I've hit a wall. And, indeed, there in ink I read about other times when the circumstances of my life lined up with a case of SADD, or stress, or low energy, or grief, or even with an overabundance of time alone to think on all these things, and the result was the same… reassessment, questioning, wondering, and doubts. And it's always a downward spiral.

I believe a part of why I feel this way is due to my spirituality. There's a very real possibility that a battle is taking place in my mind and spirit because the devil would like to render me ineffective in my life. What I mean to say is, that there's a spiritual world of darkness at work against the Kingdom of Light that I confess to belong to. I'm not here to argue this… just state it as something I believe to be true.

So, having said that, the more time I spend alone, the worse these dark attacks can be. Being an introvert, I often think I don't need to be with people that much, but that's not true for me for long periods of time. Because, when I'm alone, I'm not being bolstered by the community of people that can provide me encouragement, wisdom, comraderie, and affirmation of my life purpose. This community of friends are what sustain me, share accountability with me and help me to refocus when my glasses get foggy… like right about now.

I've already begun the process of reintegration into community in various ways… by opening up this can of worms to you, to my friends, to my husband, and allowing you and them to see that I just don't have it all together… I'm human, I'm struggling, I need them to come alongside me and help me find my way. This can take the form of conversation, prayer, counsel, and plain old cheering from the sidelines as I find my way back into the race again.

I'm on my way back… taking time to write down all the clues that are being sprinkled like bread crumbs upon the path of my life. I bend down and pick up the pieces, nibble on some, and look up for the next clue.

I'm coming back… it's becoming clearer… I'm on my way… watch for me…

Lesley-Anne

Time flies…

Posting on the weekend is harder than during the week… too many people around the house looking over my shoulder or calling to me from the kitchen, or laundry room or garage. So, I'm back this morning with very little to say… but, give me a few moments and that is sure to change!

I know that I want to say something witty, something that will stick with you or will cause you to belly laugh or just smirk with a recognition that you aren't as crazy as you thought you were, or you are less crazy than me, or at the very least, you aren't alone. But I can't conjure that up… can I? I can't be funny if I'm not feeling funny… and I want this blog to be about real life, not well scripted fiction.

So, where does that leave me this morning? And where does that leave us?

Alone in front of our computer screens looking for connection, I think. Alone and needing to express our thoughts and feelings and insights and failures and successes and just stories of our days and nights and lives. Alone is OK, for a time.

But I also know that too much of sitting in front of my computer screen isn't good for me. I tend to let the time slip by, pouring myself into writing and expressing and not take care of the other parts of my life that are actually more important… like caring for my home, or my family, or my health.

Who else out there struggles with this lure of things internet? I'm wondering what it is about being online that condenses time… I can't think of any other activity I do that has the same result.

Laundry takes time… at the very least a full day of back and forth between washer and dryer, but I am aware of each passing minute as I undertake that particular task. Gardening also takes a long time… but strangely enough, most times I feel like I've accomplished a lot in the garden, I come inside to find that only an hour has passed… interesting, huh? The hard work and the needful work of those primary responsibilities (that are hardest to start and complete), actually seem to take less time to accomplish than sitting in front of my computer where time vanishes without any awareness of it happening.

Is there something scientifically proven about this computer time loss thing? Can anyone help shed some light on this for me?

Until I know more, I'm just going to keep it short this morning and choose to get out of my chair and spend time doing other things that I've been short changing in favour of blogging and writing. I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing or doing my blog… cause it's something I do for the joy of it, and cause it's this creative thing that bubbles up and can't be stopped. Even if I write nothing of interest to anyone else, I will still write. But, let's face it friends, I can't just blog or write all day long… that's not my real day job!

Someone commented recently when I said I was writing on my blog, "oh, you're busy entertaining yourself." That really BUGGED me! I thought a few nasty things that went unsaid, but mostly I thought this person really doesn't get what it's like to discover (at midpoint in my life) a purposeful part of myself that fulfills me and has the potential to impact others.

I write because I have to… I would be less than who I am if I didn't. But, I would also be less of who I am if I didn't exercise, sleep, rest, clean, cook, bake, garden, or do the things that I have the 'gulp' PRIVILEGE of doing as a wife and a mother.

So… for today… in the words of Porky Pig, "That's all folks!"

Lesley-Anne